first post

well thats my beautiful emmyjoe! tonite we did facials and make up cuz aunt kitty stayed the nite because i need some extra help this weekend cuz blaine works nites and i miscarried last nite/this am. well i was looking at this picture of my beautiful little girl and noticed that you can see me in the little tiny round mirror in the cornerand i was like wow damn i kinda look pretty in that picture so when i look in the mirror why dont i ever think im pretty or that im ever tiny enuf. right now i know im not i just had a baby in sept. but i gave kitty a pair of pants that dont fit me no more cuz my my hips stretched out with miss angel-grace so there is no way in hell i will ever be able to where them again and they are a size 1! that is what i was whereing when me and blaine got together 3 christmas' ago and i will never see that size again. i almost wanna get back on the methadone for three weeks just to go through the detox and llose all the weight again...god how that would be beautiful!! incase you cant tell by now i have weight issues ive been anorexic or bulimic since i was 16 and am now 26 and ive also struggled with drugs....im the perfect example of self mutilation, and yes i know my daughters need to have a stong mother but let me tell you they have an amazing mother that is always there for them cares for them playes with them shuts the pain off untill they are asleep they never see me cry they never hear me pitty myself so dont anyone on here that reads this dare judge me because im hard enuff on myself, im using this so i can get this shit out because i have NOT ONE SOUL i can talk to that DOES NOT judge me in some way. im not even close to perfect and i know that i am broken quite shattered acctually but i keep myself together thru the day long enuff with duck tape