whats it matter? its my reality...not yours

and you know i moved up here to ky expecting a happy fulfilled life. dont get me weong i woudnt changei t for anyyhiting but sometimes i just want to run break fee and never look back at least for a while. (words might be messed up but its like almost 3am) it sux blaine does everythin he can for me but at the same time he thows it u in my face. this is all his fault im starting to resent him and thats not fair to him, hes makin my heart hurt. he says he works and that why he is grumpy an \d tired....well hello you no what i may not have a job that i go to 8hrs a day well i have a 24 hrs a day 7 days a week job. im a mother andi wuold not change that for anyhting. i miss feeling like i meant something to him like he loved me. i miss being happy when he got home and counting dow the min with emmyjoe till her daddy gt home. and now well theres nothing. now all i wait for is what this fight is goingto be about...i understand when he word\ks it wears him down it physcaly wears him down and hurt him. i miss the happyness the feeling that yes he is home he is with me. now theres nothing. dont get me wrong i love him i relly do buti just can keep living like this,(im not leaving...never will). i try to talk to him and it does nothing. maybe ill have him read this. it will prolly upset him but anyone that knows me knows i cant talk i have to write. je is a great guy but i miss that felling. not that new love feeling either just thehappy to see him happy to talk to him i think going and seeing my mom will ne good, it will give me a chance to miss him to see if he misses me. i loveh im so much and i dont knowwhat to do....

awsome day

adult content will be in this one...eventually. i used to write all the time when i was younger just to get stuff out i used to write poems songs and just feeling...i was contantly writing my way thru life...it helped me alot in high school since i was kinda a loner well now im writing because well i cant always tell my fam what i am thinking i cant always talk to people and it kinda sux...my thoughts are always scarmbled and i cant spell i refuse to use spell scheck because this is my blog and i can be myself. i dont have to hide behind this mask this comilian lifethat i have.canstantly changing from situation to situation. i talked o mymom today becaue its mothers day and well shes in a nursing home. my family was tired of wiping her ass so they sent her away...its not her fault shes paralized ya know?. i sent her a edible arangement fo mothers day and she liked it. my family promised that they would take care of her if i moved back to kentucky and well they lied. well today blaine let me sleep till 130 when i finally got up :) and then i spent some time with emmyjoe and angel-grace just hanging around the house. they got me the most beautiful orange rose in the whole wide world!! emmyjoe picked it out. well i had to clean the room this afternoon because i havnt done it in a while. see im upset ith they way things are right now. blaine workes weeknights and goes in at 430 and because his job is so far way he has to leave at 230 so he s never home with me when the kids get hoe and they never get ot see him. he gets home at 4am sleeps thill 12 get ready for work and leaves i never get to see him. he never getsto help me wit the kids and i feel like im doing this all on my own so im kinda sad about how life is right now. bt anyways im cleaning the room becuase there was like 6loads of clean clothes all over it. its a good thing our room is so big its about 30feel across and 15ft wide. so its pretty decent size so i just let shit pile up well he comes in the room and tells me to stop pushes me up against the built in vanity and starts having sex with me wich was amazing and then when were done i got back to cleaning the room. hes taking care of the baby and everyone keeps bothering me i just wanted to get the room clean. well and hr and a half later  i finish the room clean the bathroom and  the room looks amaing. so i come outa the room play with the baby and emmyjoe then emmyjoe goes to bed and i put the baby to sleep by the sound of my heartbeat and this time its like 12am well while im putting the baby to sleep my bffs husband is texting me that she is in jail again for vop and he dont have an address for me to write her so i have to call pasco county in the morning. well after we get teh baby in bed and move emmyjoe from our bed to the couch (she has a room but hates to sleep in it cuz its on the other side of the house and she gets scared. i keep trying to tell her her big brother who is 13 is right across the hall but it dont work cuz it aint me lol ) well we go to bed just to have secand omg it was the best that i have had since we first got together. that country song thats out rite now i think its called like a soler coming home yeah thats how it was like we aint been together in forever we actually made love instad of just sex or fucking. my wehole body shook. well now im out herewriting bucause i got alot on my mind. i keep thinking about my anorexia i made it all the way thru high school from the time i was 15 till i was 18 with this disease and it comes back every so often...i hate it i hate how i just cant contole it anymore and its happending now. i went from 143 to 134 in a week bucause i dont just not eat i also dont drink tyhat much. i wish that it wouild just go away., ivehad 2 kids im not gonna be really tiny im not meant to be really tny. it used to come back when i couldnt controle what was going on around me. i dont try to do it it just hapends. i guessrite now i fel likei cant conrtole anything with my mom being paralized and me not being able to be in floridato hel her. it sux she retired from teaching ddec. 22 2010 and jan 12 2011 she cant walk and she will never walk again. theres no way to tell what the mass is in her spine beuase they cant get to it to test in. so many people in my family have died from cancer and im so scared. i dont talk to no1 about it because its like they dont want to hear it just suck it up put my big girl panties on and deal with it. well....i can't that my mother my mommy the woman who raised me put up with me coming home drunk and telling her dont talk to me im too drunk im going to bed i got school tomorrw or coming home blaized outa my mind and when she tried to talk to me just sitting htere laughiong. ive stolen her pain pills starting when i was in 9th grade. this song that im putting on here is by brantley gilbert if you listen to county you would love him..ive listening to him for the last 2yrs and he is amaing someone hsould sighn him just find him on utube but this song is my mommy song........

Indian's Angel Lyrics

Grew up one state North of Kentucky
A Family far from rollin' in the money
7 brothers and sisters to feed and love
Granddaddy said she kept her eyes on the sky,
Watching all the little birds fly
Staring at heaven like her lost home
None of her dreams held fame and fortune
She wanted a husband and children that loved her

Spreading' her wings her feet left ground In Indian
Driving down south just to marry my daddy
Leaving the life she'd known and loved behind
She never cussed or drank, kept on the table
Hell, I kept her on her knees in prayer
She's a God sent blessing wiling and able
As Indiana's angel

Baby back home your daddy's dying
‘bout then the kind of perfect timing,
Walked in with liquor on my breath
I sit and watch all of her tears glisten
She said, “Son you'll learn to listen,
A man stands taller from his knees”
Now I'll never forget how much that hurt
She said, “Son one day I'll be gone you wont have to hear these words”

Spreading' her wings her feet left ground In Indian
Driving down south just to marry my daddy
Leaving the life she'd known and loved behind
She never cussed or drank, kept on the table
Hell, I kept her on her knees in prayer
She's a God sent blessing wiling and able
As Indiana's angel
Indian's Angel

Spreading' her wings her feet left ground In Indian
Driving down south just to marry my daddy
Leaving the life she'd known and loved behind
She never cussed or drank, kept on the table
Hell, I kept her on her knees in prayer
She's a God sent blessing wiling and able
As Indiana's angel  and its all so tryue...i love her so much and  i regret so much that i did to her...i put her thru hell i went to my grandmas funeral fucked up on pills...when i went thru detox on my mothadone becasue i realized it was time to quite she got y\my the clonadine so it wouldnt hurt so bacd she rubbed my head gave me amodiam rubbed my lefs and arms stayed up with me all night she wwas my rock! well what do you do when your rock needs someone to lean on..i hate asking her for advice or telling her i need help...i fel like such a burden... well thats it for tonight i do belive...i dont know...well ima go..any advise anyone could give me on what to do with my mom or anyhting to make me fel better would be great..i klnow she not dead so im lucky...but what if shes dying of cancer and that is what the mass is in her spine...what do i do..i know poor pittiful me...well its y blog..u rite what u want in urs i right what i was to in mine....but please  i need help...goodnight

yeah

this is gonna be so ranom...i was anorexic when i was younger and today on a website i talked to a girl and alot of thing s came out of how i feel aout it. when you are anorexic even when it starts as mild it eventually turns into a concer a thing that takes over your body. you start for just a bit and then it takes over your body its as bad as a drug you yurn for it you grow to become just that something hid behind a disease. a cancer you watch your family sit there and wait for the daythat your heart gives out. if youve evr known some 1 with cancer and watched them slowely faid away holding there hands everyday. that is what ana does to a family it doesnt just efect the persoin it is a disease that controles the whole family. i never realized how much i hurt my family till i left a comment on this girls page and started to explain why mild ana was badi still fall back to that life everyonce in a wile even with my kids i never want to leave them not because of that but i cant help it i get stressed out i fele my world falling down around me i trn to it its sopmething i can controle and i dont know what to do.

song

Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
I just need a compass and a willing accomplice
All my doubts that fill my head are skidding up and down again
Up and down and 'round again, down and up and 'round again

Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all
Just to end up right back here on the floor
To end up right back here on the floor

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
The cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring
Love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
And a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
And I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/crystal-ball-lyrics.html )

Oh, I've felt that fire and I, I've been burned
But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned
I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell
But I'm not scared at all
Of the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

Irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
What it does to me? What it's done to me? What is done, done?

Pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare
Walk under ladders on my way to hell, I'll meet you there
But I'm not scared at all, I'm not scared at all
'Bout the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

a glimps into my head

so since i was last on here....i was driving with my 5yr old and a friend of mine who is like a daughter to my mother to see my mom and we were in a s10 going thru a green lite and a 19 yr old in a escalade ran a red lite hit us on my side (i was driving) knocked us all out my daughter included!! kitty had to have surgery on her back to fuze her 2 bottom disks and her small intestin had to have some work done on it...luckly me and emily got ot come home....emily has scoliosis and spina bifita occult. when i came to and the lady that was behind me driving was next to my window swas on the phone with 911 and emmy started crying i tried to open my door...that bitch that hit us has no idea how lucky she is that my door wouldnt open because you dont hurt my kids!!! its like the hole mother lion thing ya know?! well emily is ok besides her back is messed up a little it just bothers her and its bruised really bad....that little girl has got some angels watching over her!!! always has!! me well....the ligaments in both of my knees are torn and they are black and yellow so even my body is pullen for the steelers to win the superbowl lol!! my back is sprained and m neck is strained!! i go to see my nurologist this week so we will see how my plate is...i got a lawyer if it was just me i wouldnt have but emmy was in the car and that little 19 yr old girl needs to learn that RED means STOP not go. shes lucky my kid isnt hurt more and shes lucky that all 3 of my kids werent in the car becasue my head busted out the window and if the baby woulda been screamin and emmy woulda been crying and danny and me woulda been both been in the car....well i cant stop that 13yr old hes bigger than me

dont know what to do

so chances are mom will never walk again...just like that her life is taken away from her it just really sux....i dont even feel like writing

new one

well blaines at work the kidsare asleep and its like almost 2am so i can put what i want on here. i live in a world where i watch my p's and q's all the time cuz i dont want to piss the wrong person off cuz the crap i say dont lways come out rite and im so tired of it. why do i worry about offending people? the people that matter know me so they will get over it the people that dont matter well i dont want to know them cuz most the people i do know im just stuck knowing anyways so i dont care if i piss them off. theres one person in this world that can take one look at me and tell how i am or what im thinking and well she loves me just the way i am even if i am a heartless bitch cuz she knows im not heartless i do care but i only care about the people i care about not the rest of the people in the world if people are starving around me and i dont know them im sorry but your not getting my money to feed my kids and rite now my moms in the hospital and im mad at her but ill talk about that tom. when i have more cigs to smoke rite now ima talk about how ive drank half a think of whiskey and i feel NOTHING stupid whiskey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdteItASYg4   MINE AND BLAINES SONG RITE NOW goin to lay down outa cigs